The Four Stages of Love and Marriage

Research has confirmed what we already know in our hearts, that relationships are the source of our psychological wellbeing and emotional growth. People in satisfying long-term relationships have stronger immune systems and are better able to tackle life’s ups and downs.

Yet, traveling the road to relationship success requires patience, wisdom, and emotional “smarts.” The four stages of love can feel bumpy, confusing, and treacherous. Staying in sync with your partner while you are managing personality differences is tough. It is helpful to know that conflict is not a problem to be avoided. Learning to manage conflict is a necessary task for couples to master, in order for the relationship to deepen, strengthen, and mature.

Your relationship will evolve in these four predictable stages:

STAGE 1 – YOU are my “ANSWER”

(The Stage of Bonding)

We all yearn to have love in our lives and enjoy the intimacy, the passion, and growth of loving another person.

The first stage of love is relatively “blissful” due to five unconscious factors:

Biology – attraction and attachment are biologically programmed -not so much a decision as a drive.

Love hormones – when we fall in love, “feel good” chemicals surge the brain, like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin.

Idealization – emotions are more influential than our reasoning minds so we tend to gloss over potential problems.

Sameness – we psychologically seek to merge with our partner at this stage because we desire approval. Sameness is valued over “uniqueness.”

Suppression – we will control rather than reveal our differences in an effort to maintain harmony and connection with the one we love.

Statistics show that this Stage 1 of love typically lasts 6 mos. to 1 year.

STAGE 2 – YOU Are My “PROBLEM”

(The Stage of Differentiating)

In Stage Two, differences begin to surface and the partner that looked like the answer can quickly become “the problem.”

Conflict is normal at this stage. Conflict is, in fact, necessary at this stage. Research says that avoidance of conflict is the single biggest predictor of divorce because it eventually leads to emotional boredom and estrangement.

While conflict is not avoidable, dumb fights are optional.

In order to prevent “dumb fights” and manage differences “smartly” clients must develop awareness and skills for managing emotional minds by:

Regulating strong emotions and impulses.

Revealing more vulnerable feelings, enabling deep bonding and mutual understanding

Re-syncing with upset partners to re-establish connection

Repairing hurt feelings and broken promises

STAGE 3 – WE are the “PROBLEM”

(The Stage of Collaborating)

Couples who learn to hold on to their emotional connection through their differences will begin to identify more strongly as a WE.

Once the emotional attachment feels reliable and secure, Stage 3 couples will then learn how to share power.

Sharing power will influence how the “we” manages:

decision making

work/career balances

housework

money

sex

STAGE 4 – We Are the “Answer”

(The Stage of Synergy)

When you achieve mutual understanding, mutual acceptance, and mutual sharing and support, the result will be relationship synergy, when two unique people join their forces to create a sum that is greater than its parts!

Learning these stages is vitally important. It is tragic that many relationships end prematurely because couples cannot “see the forest through the trees” when they are in conflict. They are fighting or growing apart and they do not know how to get back on track. They fear that their relationship distress is about the “wrong” partner rather than understanding the problem as the wrong “connection.” Therefore many couples flounder, get scared, and give up.

Just remember that conflict is normal, necessary and opportunity for your relationship to deepen, strengthen, and mature.